The Ultimate Parody!
by Kimmi82
Summary: Sing along to the alternative libretto! Lyrics by myself and dialogue by the very talented Lauren Crotsley, a pure micky take, but out of pure love for the film!


Auctioneer:  
Sold! Your number?  
Ok, lot 664, ladies and gents, a nude picture of Christine Daae drawn by the Phantom. It's been underwater for years on a sunken ship... 

Audience:  
Wrong movie, schmuck!

Auctioneer:  
Oh...Uh...Ok, here! The Phantom's entire porn collection!

Raoul:  
I want it!

Mme Giry:  
No, you can have the music box!

Raoul:  
I'm a dirty old man, I don't want a stupid music box! Sex sex sex!

Auctioneer:  
Here! Ick! It's sticky!  
Alright, here's the chandelier!

Audience:  
groan we don't want THAT!

Auctioneer:  
Oh, shut up already! Look, it's perfect for parties!

(Chandelier lights up and transports everyone back to the 1800's)

Whoa...uh...did I accidentally mix up Timeline with Phantom? Gerry, get your arse in here!

Carlotta:  
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!

Cast (singing loudly to cover her:  
We've lived with the banshee too long!  
Replace her now, we beg you!  
Phantom, come on now and strike!  
Before we all end up totally deaf!

Piangi:  
Carlotta's voice doesn't bother me at all!  
But I'm getting some from her even though I'm real fat!

Reyer:  
Oh, Lord, I'm going to be sick!

Lefevre:  
Here's your new opera company. They're all perverts, be happy, and watch out for the peeping tom of a ghost that's in the rafters. Bye!

Andre & Firmin:  
Hi Everyone! Oooh, chorus girls! OOOH, BOOBIES!

Carlotta:  
I have boobs too! See?

Andre:  
Uh-huh

Firmin:  
Ok, nice...

Raoul:  
I'm HERE! Aren't I cute?

Carlotta:  
HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! And you, little boy, go away!

Raoul:  
But I'm cute!  
(sulks and leaves)

Carlotta:  
I'M THE STAR! I HAVE THE MOST CLEAVAGE!

Managers:  
Oh, bugger off! Go sing something, we want to look at the chorus girls' boobies!

(Carlotta starts to sing, but a backdrop falls on her)

Phantom & cast:  
Damn! Missed!

Carlotta:  
I'm LEAVING!

Everyone:  
Thank God.

Andre:  
Uh, Firmin, she DID have nice boobs.

Firmin:  
We'll try to get her back later. Oh, hello, Christine, you're cute.

Phantom:  
HEY, SHE'S MINE!

Mme. Giry:  
Ok, guys, I have a message here from the Opera Ghost.

Firmin:  
We already heard him.

Mme Giry:  
No, he wants you to know that you have to pay him if you stare at the girl's breasts. Oh, and you have to clean up his rooms after parties...they get really messy. Leave Box 5 empty so he can make out with Christine in it and keep that annoying little piece of out of this film!

Firmin:  
No. He's giving us money. And he's cute!

Andre:  
Firmin?

Firmin:  
Uh...he'll fetch lots of ladies!

Andre:  
Hey, cutie over there with the curly hair and blank expression! Sing something!

Christine:  
Ok, I'll tell you all about my teacher! He's been-

Firmin:  
Shut up and sing, bitch!

Christine:  
You're watching me, watching me changing,  
In my lacy smalls,  
For 10 whole years, you've taught me to sing,  
Through mirrors, doors and walls.

When you find, the confidence to come,  
Out from behind the three-piece suite,  
Show me all the things you've thought of, while you're watching me.

Musical interlude! La la laaaaa, la la la la la, la la la la laaaaaaa, etc

I never asked you how much do you charge,  
For singing lessons taught through bricks,  
But I think that you would rather,  
Keep on watching me!

Watching me behind my bedroom door,  
From underneath my floorboards, you see more...

Watching me, watching me waking, after dirty dreams.  
In my mind, my Angel of Shagging makes me moan and scream.  
You teach me songs, but your voice makes me long,  
For things I'm far too young to do,  
I'm an adolescent female, and I'm wanting you!

Raoul:  
Can it be? Can it be Christine? (Bravo!) A.N. I think you'll find its Brava mate.  
What a change, she almost made me blush,  
Her songs are really quite risque!  
If her dad could hear this, he'd roll in his grave...

Christine:  
I never asked you how much do you charge,  
For singing lessons taught through bricks,  
But please come on out and maybe you'll see more.  
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof me!

Meg:  
Christine, Christine!

Phantom:  
Christine

Meg:  
What in the world have you been doing?  
I thought we had something!  
I always thought I was your girlfriend!  
What is this new straight thing!

Christine (spoken)  
Meg, I know that we had some good times backstage together And you'll always be my first, I promise.  
But my daddy promised me he'd send me the Angel of Shagging and he has! And it's so much more interesting than what we've done!  
You just would not believe the things we've been doing.

Meg:  
Christine, I thought you said you had decided on me since Raoul didn't measure up all those years ago.  
But do you really believe that the Angel of Shagging is better than me?

Christine:  
Well, Meg, he has better equipment.  
(sung)  
You were my first kiss and lover,  
You left me breathless and sore,  
Now I've discovered a man's love,  
And I want more,

Sorry, my dear, but he's so manly,  
You'd never guess how long!  
Night after night he's kissed and shagged me,  
Wooed me with dirty songs!

Meg:  
Christine, this isnt fair on me!  
I want you more than he could!  
I'm not psychotic like he is,  
And I'm not old!

Christine:  
Angel of shagging,  
Pop my cherry,  
Show what a man can do.  
Angel of shagging,  
Do what Meg can't.  
Make me come, strange angel!

Meg (counterpoint:  
Who is this straight guy,  
This angel of shagging,  
Who can do what I can't,  
Damn you, you strange converter!

Christine:  
You won't believe his arse

Meg:  
Yeah, whatever!

Christine:  
Please don't be mad!

Meg:  
Yeah, right, Christine, I'm dumped

Christine:  
But he's still so good

Meg:  
Yeah, well, fk off!

(She stomps off, leaving Christine in her dressing room)

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Little Lotte, let her mind wonder. Little Lotte thought, "Am I fonder of Justin or of JC or of Chris?"

Christine:(Spoken)  
Raoul.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Or of New Kids on the Block?

Christine:(Spoken)  
Our sleepovers in the attic.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
My Care-Bear Jammies!

Christine:(Spoken)  
father playing the bass guitar.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
As we put on make up, did each others hair. I looked best!

Christine:(Spoken)  
No, "What I loved best," Lottie Said, "was when I'm asleep in my bed"  
(Sung)  
And the angel of shagging climbs into my bed.

Christine and Raoul:  
The angel of shagging climbs into my bed.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
You sang like an angel tonight. But aren't you underage? Did you dad give you permission for this?

Christine:(Spoken)  
Father said, "When I am in heaven, I will send the angel of shagging into your bed." Well, father is dead,  
Raoul. And I have been fondled by the angel of shagging.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Oh, no doubt of it. :giggles: And now, we go for drive-thru.

Christine:(Spoken)  
No, Raoul, you know my corset won't allow it. Plus the angel of shagging will miss me.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Well we can go back to my place, I've got plenty of mud and wax for both of us. And I'd like to meet this angel. (Laughs)

Christine:(Spoken)  
Raoul, No.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
You must change. I'll go warm up the engine. Two minutes, Little Lotte.

Christine:(Spoken)  
No, Raoul, wait!

(The Phantom locks the door...and then steals all Raoul's hair products!)

Phantom:  
Who was that boy/that joke of manhood/reeking of CK One/He won't get far/I stole his hairbrush, and let down all his tyres!

Raoul:(spoken)  
Wait a second! Where's my gel! My Pantene ProV!

Christine:  
Angel, how naughty/he'll be outraged/He'll be back soon, hide me/Angel protect me from this gaylord/  
I need a real man now.

Phantom:  
Boy you don't need much convincing/this is far easier than planned/I thought that you'd run off screaming/  
come now take my hand!

Christine:  
Angel of shagging/pop my cherry/I hope you've got condoms/angel of shagging/shag me senseless/come with me, strange angel.

Phantom:  
I am your angel of shagging/come with me, angel of shagging.

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Whos got my brush! Who slashed my tyres!

Phantom:  
I am your angel of shagging,

Raoul:(Spoken)  
Christine! Christine! Noooooo!

Phantom:  
Come with me, angel of shagging...

Christine: (eyeing the Phantom's package)  
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Raoul:  
THE WAX WILL SET! UNLOCK THE DOOR BEFORE MY HAIR GETS MESSY STRUGGLING WITH IT! Oh god, I need to change a tyre! How!

Christine:  
You took his brush away,  
And wrecked his car,  
Hes banging on the door,  
He won't get far,

Take me away with you,  
I'm yours tonight!  
the Phantom of the Opera is mine,  
Mine for the night!

Phantom:  
Be careful in the boat,  
Please stay in line,  
Please keep your arms and legs,  
In at all times,

I think you'll like it here,  
I've Sky TV,  
The Phantom of the Opera has beer,  
Wine and whisky.

Christine:  
Can we go back for my Playstation 2?

Phantom:  
I've got a Mega Drive,

Christine:  
That'll have to do.

Both:  
My/Your tonsils and your/my legs,  
Will soon entwine!  
The Phantom of the Opera will grope,  
at my/your behind!

Offstage Phantom/Christine rejects:  
Its him! The Phantom of the Opera!  
Sign this please, Phantom of the Opera!

Phantom:  
Release the safety bar,  
Leave to the right,  
Purchase a photograph,  
£4.95!

Christine:  
I'm looking forward to,  
A pillow fight!  
The Phantom of the opera is here/there,  
Inside your/my tights!

Phantom:  
Shag, my Angel of Shagging!

Christine:  
He's...OOOOOO!  
the Phantom of the Opera,

(Phantom)  
Shag my Angel of Shagging!

Christine:  
AAAAAAAAA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phantom:  
Shag my angel!

(Christine cont'd on a higher note)

Phantom:  
Shag with me!

(Christine cont'd on another higher note)

Phantom:  
SHAG!

(Christine cont'd on yet another higher note)

Phantom:  
Shag my angel!

(Boy this girl can scream)

Phantom:  
SHAG WITH ME!

CHRISTINE ON HIGHER NOTE...

shag...

(only dogs can hear this now)

don't stop now!

(dolphins, whales, UFO's passing through)

SHAG WITH ME...

Christine:  
&$&$&(&)"$"$(:$$!£$£$&!

Phantom:  
And I'm spent! Ok whos for Streets of Rage? Bags me Axel!

Phantom:  
Boat ride is over! Uh, Christine, honey, don't drink the water.  
Oooh, your dress is see-through! If I shoved you in the water.  
splash

Christine:  
Now you've done it! I'm freezing and half naked!

Phantom:  
I know...drooooooooooooooooooools Ahem! Let's get you out of those wet clothes!

Now I've got you,  
I know your feeling frisky.  
Stay here with me.  
Ive got brandy, rum and whisky.

Slowly, gently I'll unfurl your clothing.  
If I start now,  
I'll finish by the closing.  
How'd you wear this thing, how the hell do I get in?  
Can you help me please Christine, some time tonight,  
So we can make the music of the night.

(corset comes off and Christine's breasts boing into place)

Corsets off now heres where the fun begins to start!  
I'm assuming that you are on the Pill!  
As the Phantom it's hard to go outside,  
To buy condoms, flowers and knickers for my bride.

(Christine grins and produces a box of Trojan Magnums, xtra larges for those v-card holders!)

Phantom:  
How'd you know?  
(He motions and her dress magically falls off)

Softly, Deftly,  
Phantom shall undress you.  
Must move faster,  
Half the song has gone now.  
What is that your saying, why am I only wearing,  
My mask and cape, why Christine it feels right,  
When we are making music of the night.

Let your dress start a journey across the bedroom floor!  
Let me tear away your stockings with my teeth!  
Let your underwear fall swiflty to the floor!  
Only then can I get a little more...

Floating, falling,  
You win the cape comes off now,  
Touching, thrusting,  
Your innocence has gone now.

Christine you're such a dirty mare,  
How did you get your leg up there?  
I hope my monkey box has covered up its eyes,  
While we are making music of the night!

(Christine faints from passion, alcohol, and the rigors of several gymnastic positions)  
Phantom:  
fkin' hell, I didn't finish yet!

I alone can make your clothes take flight,  
Help me make the music of the night...

Christine:  
I remember there was beer.  
Phantom beat me in that game of Streets of Rage,  
We got cosy on the couch and then his hand went up my leg,  
And then my clothes they all fell off..

Whos is this fabulous bedroom?  
Who is this man with great taste?

She gives him a nudge, he mumbles, hungover. She shakes him and knocks over the bedside table, laden with nachos, empty bottles, and used condom wrappers

Phantom:  
...Wake me!  
Its far too early to wake me!  
I need my shut eye,  
I was up all last night writing my play!  
Velvet! You've got cheese dip on my velvet!  
Well thats fantastic,  
Now I'm well and truly awake,  
Damn you, curse you...

Do something productive,  
I've been writing my new opera, but my PC's on the blink,  
Proof read it for me And check it all, for punctuation, typos, grammar,  
Highlight them, highlight them.  
Then Christine...

You can choose a part, I recommend the peasant slut, I get to grope you and,  
Seduce you with my  
Suggestive song, and swooshing cape, you will love it,  
Swooshing cape, swooshing cape.  
Well Christine...?

(Christine takes the script)

Christine, speaking:  
Sounds good to me, those two fools who run your theatre will have heart attacks.

Phantom:  
Shut up and read...and who told you to get dressed!

Firmin:  
Let us celebrate Christine's triumph! And doesn't she have a birthday?

Andre:  
I dunno.

Firmin:  
I'm looking for an excuse for a party! I WANNA GET TRASHED!

Andre:  
The Masquerade Ball doesn't happen until act 2, Firmin!

Firmin:  
SHUT UP! I'm bigger than you! I make the rules!

Andre:  
But...but...

Firmin:  
Go start planning before I call Angelina Jolie and have her kill you! Oh...er...Tomb Raider...sorry...uh...I'll do something...really bad!

Andre:  
Oh, whatever! Fine!

Buquet:  
The Phantom's a paedophile, you know!  
I'm suicidal since I know the guys insane.  
He's gonna kill me in 2 scenes,  
But I'll make fun of him all the same.

Mme Giry:  
You shouldn't tease him if I'm here 'cause I may beat the hell out of you.  
Firmin wants his ice cream now,  
So get ready - he wants lots of strippers too!

Masquerade! Party hats that we have made, Masquerade! Run and hide so your friends will never find you.  
Masquerade! Every dress a different shade, Masquerade, dont forget to invite all of your classmates.

Frilly frocks, silly socks, hide and seek, blindmans bluff,  
Music on, cheesy songs, running round, falling down, JELLY!  
Take your turn, take a go, pin the tail on the mule, drawn on the kitchen wall,  
Yummy cake, truth or dare, who is next, wait your turn, brand new shoes, jazzy shirt, painted face, magic tricks, ICE CREAM!  
Lick your plate, drink your pop, Till your sick, or feel ill, or throw up, upon your neighbours rug!

Masquerade! Silly dancing, spinning round, Masquerade! lets sit down, play a game of pass the parcel.  
Masquerade! Sticky carpet, party bags, Masquerade! Stop and stare at the mess you've made around you.  
Masquerade! Making passes, showing off, Masquerade! Hide the mess so your folks won't go ballistic.  
Masquerade! Chinese whispers, pulling hair, Masquerade! Run and hide so your friends will never find you.

Madame Giry:  
What a night!

Firmin/Andre:  
Boy its loud, Backstreet Boys, Cha Cha Slide, we've got Cher's Greatest Hits,

Carlotta:  
And sausages on sticks,

Meg:  
Who has eaten all the pizza,

Firmin/Andre:  
Three hours,

Piangi:  
Of relief!

Carlotta:  
Of delight!

Andre/Firmin:  
Till our parents get home then we'll be sent to bed,

Carlotta:  
Lots of crisps,

Piangi:  
Where are those,

Madame Giry:  
Bye bye health!

Andre/Firmin:  
Have some more, there enough to go round, and even more on the floor,

Piangi and Carlotta:  
And may the Pringles never end!

Firmin/Andre:  
What a marvellous quiche!

Madame Giry:  
And Meg should fix her boobs!

(Meanwhile outisde on the swings)  
Christine:  
Think of it (Spoken)  
Lets keep it a secret, my ring I need to hide.

Phantom:(Spoken)  
But, where will you hide it? How about in there? Perfect!

Christine:(Spoken)  
No please don't, they'll see.

Phantom:(Spoken)  
Well then let them see. It's a cleavage, not a crime.  
(Sung)  
Christine, what are you afraid of?

Christine (and Phantom in parenthesis:  
Let's not bicker (Let's not bicker) lets pretend (I can only hope) You will get them in good time (soon they will be mine!)

Masquerade! Silly dancing, spinning round, Masquerade! lets sit down, play a game of pass the parcel.  
Masquerade! Sticky carpet, party bags, Masquerade! Stop and stare at the mess you've made around you.  
Masquerade! Making passes, showing off, Masquerade! Hide the mess so your folks won't go ballistic.  
Masquerade! Chinese whispers, pulling hair, Masquerade! Run and hide so your friends will never find you.

Phantom:  
Why so silent, good Monsieurs? Did you think that I had lost my invite?  
Have you missed me, good Monsieurs? I let myself in the back door.  
Here, I bring you a new game,  
MUSICAL STATUES!  
Fondest greetings to you all, A few instructions just before the music starts.  
Carlotta must learn to stay still, she will never win until her jaw stays shut.  
Piangi must lose some weight, it's not healthy in a dancing game like this.  
And my managers must learn that their place is on the dancefloor, not the chairs.  
As for our birthday girl, Miss Christine Daae...

No doubt she'll win first game, I think she'll get the prize, felt tips, though,  
should she wish to dance well, she would learn best with Raoul, for I have seen him in tutus, in tutus...

Raoul:  
I don't wear tutus!

Christine:  
Raoul, you're gay, admit it. Leave my Phantom-sweetie snugglies alone!

Raoul:  
Never! Have at you! (aside) don't I look heroic! (preens)

(Phantom drops through a trap door)

Raoul:  
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! (lands in the mirror room) Oh...uh...there are lots of you...YOU CLONED YOURSELF!  
ATTACK OF THE CLONES! WHERE'S DARTH VADER! (makes light saber noises as he slashes his useless sword around)

Mme. Giry:  
Oh, what's next? The boy's a Star Wars dweeb, the managers put things all out of order because they're horny alcoholics, and my kid's boobs are lobsided!

Meg:  
They are?

Mme Giry:  
Where did you come from! Oh, why do I even bother?

(Firmin)  
Mystery after party night,  
Its a mystery, who can shed some light,  
Party hats strewn across the floor,  
And an arse shaped hole in the bathroom door.

Pringles trampled in the rugs,  
Lipstick marks on all the mugs,  
Party streamers everywhere,  
Whats this, theres jelly in my hair!

What on earth will folk be thinking?  
Carlotta running from my room!  
Waking up next her, how did she get there!  
One night stand!  
To hell with chasing Christine,  
Getting bladdered seems to work the best for me!

(Andre interrupting)  
Alcohol!  
Please I need some more!  
Need more Alcohol!

(Firmin)  
What in Gods name for?  
Its 9am,  
Andre please get dressed!  
Please its 9am!

(Andre)  
But Meg is in my bed!

(Firmin)  
Andre have you seen the room?  
Notes from Phantom will come soon!

(Andre, reading)  
Dear Andre what a banging knees up,  
Christine was quite a beast in bed,  
We both slipped outside, found a place to hide,  
Apologies,  
If any of your horses ran away today because of what they saw!

(Firmin, reading)  
Dear, Firmin just a brief reminder,  
My party room has not been cleaned.  
Both of you, and the fop, go and grab a mop,  
Otherwise,  
Next years do is cancelled and I'll tell the world who woke up in your bed!

(Both)  
Who does he think that he is fooling?  
Christine woke up with Madame G.  
Its a big pack of lies,

(Andre)  
He tells porky pies,

(Both realizing)  
Party Ghost!

(Firmin)  
It's really isn't funny,

(Andre)  
He is making me look silly!

(Firmin)  
He is saying he shagged Christine!

(Andre)  
And scared away my horses!

(Both)  
He really must have lost it,  
But we'd better clean the room to save next year!

(Raoul interrupting)  
Where is she?

(Firmin)  
You mean Carlotta?

(Raoul)  
I mean my Christine  
Where is she?

(Andre)  
Well how should we know?

(Raoul)  
Why won't you tell me!  
I hope you didn't send me this note!

(Firmin)  
What's all this Hoo haa?

(Andre)  
I didn't!

(Firmin)  
Don't look at me!

(Raoul)  
She's not with you then?

(Andre)  
She isn't!

(Firmin)  
And I should know!

(Raoul)  
Please guys don't bicker!  
Someone has just left me this note!

(Firmin)  
And what is it that is wrote in the note?

(Andre, reading)  
Don't fret about your Christine,  
The angel of shagging has her 6 times a night.  
She never wants to see you again.

(Raoul)  
If you didn't write it, then who did?

(Carlotta)  
Where is he?

(Firmin)  
Ah, you again!

(Carlotta)  
Your precious gaylord  
Where is he?

(Raoul)  
What'd I do now!

(Carlotta)  
I got your letter  
A letter which hope is a joke.

(Firmin)  
And did you send it?

(Raoul)  
I didn't!

(Andre)  
As if he would!

(Carlotta)  
You didn't send it?

(Raoul)  
I didn't!

(Firmin)  
Oh good god no!

(Carlotta)  
You trying to tell me that you didn't know a thing about this?

(Raoul)  
Not a thing but tell me please I insist!

(Firmin)  
blushes

(Raoul, reading)  
We all know your dirty secret,  
You like a little Firmin first thing in the morning!

Carlotta: LIES!

(Raoul contiues)...She denies it but its true, Firmin is a lightweight, and Carlotta an easy lay!  
The bottles of Schnapps I brought with me really finished you both off!

(Firmin hides behind Andre, forgetting that he's a foot taller)

(Firmin and Andre)  
Far too many notes for one day,  
I don't think I can take much more!  
If Christine dares come back, she will get the sack----- !

(Madame Giry)  
Christine is coming back.

(Firmin)  
I thought she'd be happier lying on her back.

(Andre)  
And where exactly is she now?

(Madame Giry)  
I sent her to the nurses room,

(Meg Giry)  
She needed ice.

(Raoul)  
Can I see her?

(Madame Giry)  
No you fop, she says you're dumped now.

(Andre, Carlotta, Firmin)  
Dirty thing! dirty thing!

(Madame Giry)  
He sends another note.

(Andre, Carlotta, Raoul)  
Let me see it!

(Firmin, snatching note)  
Please!

Gentlemen,  
I have sent you heaps of notes now, telling you how my party room needs to be cleaned.  
You have yet to get the mops out, and I have told you time and time again where to find the vacuum cleaner.  
And I am fast running out of wax for these damn notes.

(fading to the Phantom's voice)

I shall give you one last chance.

(Phantom singing)  
Christine Daae has returned to you,  
But right now she needs some rest and her ice!  
In the new year Panto of Aladdin,  
You will make Carlotta rear end of the horse.  
And make Christine the lovely Princess Jasmine.  
The role of the Princess allows for some midriff to show,  
The panto horse needs a behind like Carlottas, I think you'll all agree, ENORMOUS!

(Phantom talking)  
I'll be watching the Panto from my Laze-y-Boy chair in box 5,  
Please make sure the mini bar is fully stocked and the champagne is on ice.  
A bowl of M&M's wouldn't go amiss, brown ones removed of course.  
Ignore me and a disaster beyond your imagination will occur,  
you will no longer be using the party room stairs for ironing board sledging.  
I remain, gentlemen, your long sufferering Phantom, O.G.

(Meg produces a bag of M&Ms and starts de-browning.)

(Carlotta)  
Champagne!

(Andre)  
This is a joke!

(Carlotta)  
He isn't having my champagne!

(Firmin)  
Did you not hear, you're playing the horse!

(Carlotta)  
I'm playing the what!  
Ok I'm outta here!

(Raoul)  
We need our sledging!

(Andre)  
Signora!

(Carlotta)  
I'm not a horse!

(Firmin)  
Brown ones removed?

(Andre)  
He must be joking!

(Carlotta)  
I'm leaving!

(Firmin)  
Carlotta!

(Andre)  
You are our star!

(Firmin)  
And always will be!

(Andre)  
But Signora...

(Firmin)  
We need the stairs!

(Andre)  
Theres nowhere else left!

(Firmin)  
I'll let you back into my bedroom!

(Andre/Firmin)

We'll buy you a dog every day!

(Carlotta)  
Its no good trying to persuade me!  
365 doggies is too many!  
And as for Firmin!  
I might hold you to that promise!  
Last night was lots of fun,  
But play a horsey!  
No--ee!

(Madame Giry)  
Dear, Meg please rush with the M&Ms...

(Carlotta) You will horsefy me!

(Madame Giry)  
No, brown ones OUT, green ones in!

(Carlotta)  
I'm not wearing hoofys!

(Andre/Firmin)  
But Carlotta the sledging!

(Carlotta)  
You can replace me!

(Andre/Firmin)  
Please, Signora WE NEED YOU!

(Madame Giry)  
Brown M&M's will piss him off...

(Meg Giry/Raoul)  
We need help sorting

(Carlotta)  
Latin gobbledygook

(Madame Giry)  
..the rooms a mess go find a cloth.

(Raoul)  
These M&M's!

(Carlotta)  
More Latin gobbledygook

(Andre/Firmin)  
Carlotta be the horse, and join our sledge team!

(Raoul/Madame Giry/Meg Giry)  
What better offer can you get!

Meg (spoken:  
Do i get to play Abu? If so, I need sugar! (starts snarfing the removed brown M&Ms)

Andre and Firmin:  
Prima Donna rear end of Panto horse, your other half is going nowhere without you!

Andre:  
Costume department is shouting your name,

Firmin:  
They need to know how wide your arse is.

Andre and Firmin:  
Prima Donna the best rear end there is,

Andre:  
Think of the kids,

Firmin:  
And all the quids we'll be making!

Andre and Firmin:  
And even though you WON'T BE SAYING A WORD,

Andre,Firmin,and Piangi:  
Sing, Primma Donna the horse!

2nd chourus Calotta:  
Prima Donna my arse shall save the day, and even though,  
We all know I'll be laughed at. I'll show them all what a rear end can do,  
Follow where the head will lead me!  
Prima Donna your fur shall never fade, don't tumble dry, or else I cannot get in it.  
My hooves will be will be shinier than Piangis bald head,

Andre,Firmin,Piangi:  
Sing Prima Donna the horse!

Andre,Firmin:  
Who'd belive she'd play a panto horse, we know that her arse is big enough of course,  
So Christines gone and shagged the opera ghost, her arse is nice enough but not as big, its tough.  
Christine will get to wear the tarty princess dress, it will suit her well, now that her reputations fell,  
She's shown everyone the type of girl she is, a dirty little slapper!

Prima Donna the world is at your hooves, the head awaits, you'd better hope hes not gassy!  
Buff up your fur and then straighten your tail; sing, Prima Donna THE HORSE!

Phantom:  
Well, at least you listened this time! Keep that kid from climbing the rafters on a sugar high! And keep Carlotta's mouth closed- horses' asses don't talk!

Carlotta:  
After Taco Bell, they do!

All:  
That's so GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSS!

(Confidante)  
They say that the Princess  
Is in love with a tramp!

(1st Fop)  
The Sultan, sure,  
Would die of shock!

(2nd Fop)  
Jafar is just  
A laughingstock!

(Confidante)  
Should he suspect her,  
Allah protect her!

(All Three)  
Shame! Shame! Shame!

If he found out,  
She'd be thrown out,

Shame! Shame! Shame!

(In come Piangi and Carlotta in the horse outfit, Piangi is Aladdin)

(Christine as Princess Jasmine)  
Aladdin - your disguise is perfect.

(A knock at door)

Who can this be?

(Little dwarf guy)  
Dearest daughter its your loving father.

My love - I'm going to Cairo for a new outfit,  
And must leave you with your new pet.  
(Aside)  
Though its hardly hygenic for a horse to be in the bedroom.

(Princess aside)  
The old fool's leaving!

Aladdin away with this disgiuse!  
No need to speak - but kiss me and caress my thighs.

Daddy dear, he makes me laugh!  
Haha,  
Haha! etc.  
As if I would marry a pretentious git!

(Countess and Chorus)  
Daddy dear, he's in the dark!  
Hoho,  
Hoho, etc.  
If he knew the truth he'd have a heart attack!

(Phantom's Voice)  
Did I not instruct that the brown M&M's were to be removed!

(Meg backstage)  
He's here! the Phantom of the Opera...

(Carlotta, emerging from the horse outfit)  
Be quiet, this is my moment to shine!

(Christine)  
Your part is silent, get back in that outfit, horses arse!

(Phantom's Voice)  
I've a feeling she won't want to be in it much longer...

(Christine as Princess Jasmine)  
Aladdin, away with this disguise!  
No need to speak, but kiss and caress my...

(Carlotta)  
AAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

(Christine)  
What on earth is it now!

(Carlotta)  
It itches! It itches! Make it stop! AIIIEE!

(Carlotta runs off stage itching like a thing possessed)

(Firmin)  
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize.  
The pantomime will continue in ten minutes' time...

... When the role of the horse's arse will be played by our very own opera ghost!

(Firmin, to security)  
He's up there, go and get him, just clock him with something heavy!

(Andre)  
In the meanwhile, we'd like to give you the ballet from Act III of tonight's panto.

(Reyer)  
What!

(Andre)  
The ballet, please, now!

(Reyer)  
There is no ballet in Aladdin!

(Andre)  
Ah, right, ok, well, erm...

(They are suddenly interrupted by the mini bar being flung from Box 5 and crashing onto the stage, covering the cast with liqour, closely followed by several security men. Pandemonium ensues.)

(Raoul)  
Thats it Christine you're coming with me, that man is a lunatic,  
somebody could have been scratched!

(Christine)  
Well ok, the liqor fumes might make me tolerate you more.

(As they retreat to the roof, Christine signals to the Phantom, still in Box 5, where they are going)

Christine:  
Why did you bring me here?

Raoul:  
You can't go back now!

Christine:  
I'll miss the show!

Raoul:  
He'll kill you!  
He'll throw something at you!

Christine:  
Raoul, he wouldn't,

Raoul:  
Throw something big!

Christine:  
Raoul you're deluded,

Raoul:  
And if he has to throw a thousand men!

Christine:  
You need to see a doctor,

Raoul:  
The Phantom of the Opera will throw

Christine:  
The phantom is a sweetie!  
Believe me!

Raoul:  
...and throw again!

Christine:  
He's not a Phantom of the Opera!

Raoul:  
My God, who is this man

Christine:  
My God, who is this man

Raoul:  
...who makes demands?

Christine:  
...this obsessed poof?

Raoul:  
Those damn brown M&M's

Christine:  
What are these voices you hear?

Raoul:  
...should now be banned!

Christine:  
...you have no proof!

Both:  
And on this opera roof,  
Its bloody cold!  
The Phantom of the Opera Is here/there,

Raoul:  
Now please be told!

Christine:  
He's not a Phantom of the Opera!

Christine:  
Raoul, I've been there, to his lair for a midnight snack,  
To his lair so that we could get better acquainted, acquainted.  
Raoul, I've shagged him! Can I ever forget that night?  
I can never forget that physique, so deliciously toned, no one heard my screams in the darkness, darkness.  
And his voice filled my knickers with a sensation,  
In that night we made music several times,  
And through music my knickers begged for more!  
And by morning my knickers were quite sore...

Raoul:  
What you heard was a dream and nothing more!

Christine:  
But when we shag, he will not remove his mask,  
I'd take it off, but its more polite to ask...

Raoul:  
Christine, Christine

Phantom:  
Christine...

(Christine turns to where he is hiding, and winks)

Raoul:  
No more talk of Phantoms,  
You know they don't exist,  
I'm here, he cannot get you,  
Though I still plan to neck you,

Let me be your boyfriend,  
I'll walk you home from school,  
I'm here, with you, beside you,  
To beat up boys who like you,

Christine:  
Say you'll snog me every morning breaktime,  
Twag my strap in double Geography,  
Say you take me to the year 9 boys room,  
Promise me that all you say is true,  
I can't wait to neck you,

Raoul:  
I know the best places,  
Dark alleys and bus stops,  
You're safe, your mum won't find us,  
On the back seat of the schoolbus,

Christine:  
All I want is love bites,  
To show off to my friends,  
And you, always behind me,  
To grope me in assembly,

Raoul:  
Then say you'll share with me some chips and gravy,  
Let me lead you from your English class,  
Say you'll meet me round behind the bike sheds,  
Underneath the coats, the dinner queue,  
Christine, I can't wait to neck you,

Christine:  
Say you'll share with me one can of Fanta,  
What about behind the science block?  
Share each break with me, each class, each hometime,

Christine:  
Say you love me,

Raoul:  
I think I do,

Both:  
Neck me,  
that's all I ask of you...

Christine, reaching into Raouls back pocket:  
Yoink!

Raoul:  
Oi! My wallet!

Christine:  
We're eating dinner tonight Phanty!

Firmin:  
Ok, I'm all ready for the party!

Andre:  
sigh we already did the party, dunce!

Firmin:  
What? Oh, yeah...Uh...I want another one...

Andre:  
We can't afford it, what with Carlotta refusing to give back that horse costume and all!

Firmin:  
Yeah, what's she doing with it?

Andre:  
Said something about her and Piangi taking riding lessons...what do you think she...oh Lord! (((((shudder)))))

Firmin:  
Well, at least the chandelier didn't fall on us!

Andre:  
Shut up, you'll ruin it!

Firmin:  
Huh?

Andre:  
Oh, shove off! Get away from me! I'm better than you!

Christine:  
Guys, be nice!

Andre:  
Oh, what are you doing here! Go do something constructive, like getting your boyfriend to quit bugging us!

Christine:  
Well, what should I do? Chain him to the bed?...Oooh! (runs off to do so)

(Raoul runs to catch up with Mme Giry)

Raoul:  
Mme Giry! What's going on? I'm all confused! Who's this Phantom guy? Where's Christine?  
What does he have that I don't? Am I gay? Am I straight? What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Most of all, where's my shampoo?

Giry:  
You are getting really annoying! Get away!

Raoul:  
(whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine)

Giry:  
Oh, God, just shut up! Alright!  
You see, it was years ago. I was stripping in a nightclub and there was this one man who was always sitting in the shadows, always getting lap dances from the youngest girls. He wore a mask. Don't know why, he didn't look that bad underneath. We'd snatch his mask all the time and he'd whip it out for revenge. It was funny. Uh...well, one night he got really drunk and they threw him out.  
I felt bad for him and tried to take him home with me, but he got pissed watching a hockey game and wrecked the house. By then, I had Meg and my boobs fell to my navel so I couldn't strip anymore and I started wokring here. So I dumped him off in the basement. He's been building more and more crap down there and somehow assembled a big pipe organ down there. He also began watching Christine soon after and well... you know the rest.

Raoul:  
No I don't!

Giry:  
groan CHRISTINE HAS BEEN SLEEPING WITH THE PHANTOM FOR YEARS AND YOU DON'T MEASURE UP. YOU'RE GAY ANYWAY SO GIVE UP ALREADY!

Raoul:  
Am not! And I shall never give-

Giry:  
Oh, shove it!

(Christine has been trying to sleep all night, be she's really horny and can't get a single hour of sleep. The Angel of Shagging hasn't snuck into her bed yet, so she decides to go visit her Daddy's grave instead...uh...don't ask. Freud would be proud. Raoul discovers she's left and goes after her to once again try to prove he's straight.  
She arrives at the graveyard, not seeing the deviously hidden form driving the carriage - in spite of the fact that he's naked and waving his butt in her face.)

Christine:  
You sent me a Shagging Angel,  
He's asked me to date him,  
Really dad, he's quite a looker,  
Half his face has caved in.

Wishing you could meet my snugglebum,  
I think that he is the one.  
Catching me in, my bedroom with him,  
Without my nightie on.

Drop us off outside the cinema,  
Give us money for some sweets.  
Phoning you when, its gone 3am,  
And you're in work at 6!

Baby snaps of me in woolies,  
Grandma knitted for me.  
Paddling pool, with me in nothing,  
Stop embarassing me!

I wish you'd showed me, how to tune the TV,  
And set the VCR!

Wishing you could meet my snugglebum,  
Take him for a lads night out,  
I go to bed, but sneak out instead,  
And then you find me out!

Tell me daddy, I do not have a clue,  
I've washed snugglebums mask with something blue,

Set the VCR.  
Set the VCR!

(spoken)  
C'mon, Daddy, help me out here! I'm all confused! There's a gay guy after me and I'm just not getting as much sex as I'm used to!

Phantom(from behind Daae tomb:  
Wandering child,  
I hear you calling,  
I'll be right out, one sec.

Christine:  
Daddy you're dead,  
How are you talking?  
Ghosties do not exist!

Phantom(stifling the giggles:  
Your snugglebum sounds a real catch,

Christine:  
Daddy he is,  
He buys me roses,  
And he's a beast in bed!

Phantom:  
Yes I know dear and I saw you,  
Christen the orchestra pit,

Christine:  
Daddy, oh Daddy I'm sorry!

Phantom(jumping from behind tomb:  
ITS A JOKE, AND YOU FELL FOR IT!

Phantom/Christine:  
Angel of Shagging,  
I/You feel horny,  
Lets do it in the snow!  
Angel of Shagging!  
Watch that gravestone/frozen bottom!  
Come with me strange Angel...

Phantom:  
I am your Angel of Shagging.  
Come with me! Angel of Shagging...

(snatches Christine up and embraces her passionately - hands everywhere, whole 9 yards!)

Christine:  
Ooooo!

(Raoul runs up)

Raoul:  
No Christine! He's not your daddy!

Christine:  
Oh, yes he is!

Phantom:  
You know it, baby!

Raoul:  
No, you know what I mean!

Christine:  
Oh, I know that you idiot! Shut it, I'm busy!

(Raoul grabs her and yanks her off the Phantom)

Phantom:  
Hey, I was just getting started, you little ! I thought I told Giry to get rid of you!

Raoul:  
She tried, but she couldn't! And now I shall save the damsel in distress from you, foul beast!

Christine:  
I wasn't in distress, but I am now! I need to get laid and you're spoiling it!

Raoul:  
You're delusional, chickie! I'm the one you want!

Phantom:  
Give her back! I need my piece of ass!

Raoul:  
Fight you for it!

Christine:  
Ew! I can smell the testosterone! I'm outta here!

(Christine leaves as the Phantom and Raoul wrestle around the graveyard for 3 hours before they realize she's gone. By then, Raoul's copped a bunch of feels on the Phantom and let himself be pinned several times - and enjoyed it! - and the Phantom's beaten Raoul senseless.)

Phantom:  
Great! Now look what you've done!

(Kicks Raoul in the ribs and runs off)

Raoul:  
I have got a plan,  
I thought it up while I was in the loo,  
This could be by far,  
The best idea I've ever had!

Andre:  
We're listening...

Firmin:  
Go on.

Raoul:  
We will stage his show,  
With dirty songs and dancers eating each others necks,  
Plus if Miss Daae sings,  
He is certain to show up!

Andre:  
Don't you think we already thought,

Firmin:  
If he wrote it he's sure to be there,

Raoul:  
Oh, anyway..

Raoul/Andre/Firmin:  
The curtain falls His reign will end!

(Raoul finds Christine hiding (from him) in her closet. He's sure there's a pun in this, but can't figure it out.)

Christine (spoken:  
Raoul, have you thought  
That I don't like you?  
Raoul, go away please!  
Take your hair with you  
It's gay and dumb,  
You're ugly you know,  
Get out of my face,  
Hurry up and go.

Come on and just face it,  
Admit you're gay,  
Still, for some reason,  
You won't go away,  
And I don't want you I want a manlier man,  
I don't want you I want a manlier man!

Raoul:  
What does he have,  
That Raouly seems to lack.  
He has a mask,  
And all he wears is black...

Christine:  
Can't you understand,  
We all know that you're gay,  
Why else would you look at  
Attractive men that way?  
Men are meant to like  
Big breasts, cricket and pool,  
But you prefer to knit,  
And you think that is cool,

You moisturise at night,  
You used my best perfume,  
You let me braid your hair,  
I think I can assume,  
You swing the other way,  
What more is there to say,  
I'm late for Phanty's opera!

Raoul:  
Christine, Christine,  
I don't care what you say,  
I am not gay, and knitting is  
The big thing now!

(Christine sighs, rolls her eyes, and leaves, throwing her hands up in dismay. Raoul just watches her go, puzzled)

Phantom:  
This is my big night,  
I wonder if the critics made it,  
I really need my big break,  
Lots of money I'll make,  
And move out of my lake!

(The Police are filing in, making tons of noise. However, they see the half-naked chorus girls and run off to get their numbers and the Phantom locks all of them in the girl's locker room...where they sit sniffing all the underwear until the show ends, forgetting about the Phantom's Opera.)

(The music begins to play, loudly with lots of electric guitar!)

Audience:  
Wtf is that! Wait, do we even have electicity yet!

Phantom:  
Oops!

(changes it to just dissonant music with conventional instruments)

CHORUS:  
Here we are in tarty clothes, listen to our dirty songs!  
Here we kill a little lamb, string it up and hear it baaaa!

CARLOTTA AND CHORUS:  
Poor young hussie! You were bad with your tongue and stole our sweets,  
You will have to sleep with him, naked wrestling in the sheets!  
Make our dinner, feed the cat! Take this to the laundromat!  
Go upstairs 3rd on the left, Don Juan's waiting once again!

Chorus Member (aside:  
Carlotta, you're part of the in' chorus now! Get back in here!

Carlotta:  
SCREEEEEECH (the chorus members bop her on the head and she's dumped off the stage)

DON JUAN (PIANGI:  
Passarino bestest pal, tell me your disgusting plan,

PASSARINO:  
She is chased by girlish boy! In denial and clearly gay!

DON JUAN(PIANGI:  
She requests a proper man, she is fed up with this boy.  
He believes she'll change her mind and run off with him today!  
Get her here and get her drunk, leave her on the couch for me,  
I'll come in and one by one, garnmets will her body flee,

PASSARINO:  
I barge in you run upstairs, carry on where you left off!

DON JUAN (PIANGI:  
I will say you tie me up, tease me with suggestive dance!

PASSARINO:  
Mummys boy won't stand a chance,

DON JUAN(PIANGI:  
Here are all my costume props, shagfest is assured, if I do not forget myself and belch

(As Piangi ducks behind the curtain, the Phantom jumps on him)  
Phantom:  
Ok, you liked playing cowboy with Carlotta? We'll play! You be the cattle!

Piangi:  
Ooooh! Ropes! Yeeehaw! gagdies

Phantom:  
Schmuck!

AMINTA(CHRISTINE:  
"...no undergarnments worn beneath this dress, no problem for a man to reach my chest."

PASSARINO:  
Master?

DON JUAN(PHANTOM:  
Passarino - piss off now for the girl is mine and waits for her lay!

PHANTOM:  
You have come here, so I can steal you away from him,  
Steal you away so that we can no longer be silent, silent,  
We will show him, what a loser he really is,  
In your mind you're mentally undressing me, look at him now, hes crying pathetically,  
pathetically, pathetically...

Past the point of no return, no clothing needed,  
Our game of teasing Raoul has just begun,  
Past all thought of chat up lines,  
We've gone too far now,  
Come over here and let your dress descend,  
Don't bother with that loser now, and let the Phantom show you how,  
I know the quick way to shed corsets.  
(he begins demonstrating)

Past the point of no return, the sobs continue,  
Im sorry pal but you have lost your turn,  
Shes past the point of no return.

(Raoul's eyes fill with tears as he realizes that he can't make Christine react that way! Christine's corset comes off and drops to the floor and the Phantom begins on the rest of her dress)

CHRISTINE:  
You have brought me, away from my boring ex,  
Away from that ex that has always been silent, silent,  
I have come here, coz I cannot resist your arse,  
Though I know you've already been watching me,  
The thought turns me on, the thought of you watching me dressing,  
dressing...

Past the point of no return, Raouls out the door now,  
Its you I want so which way to the swan?  
Past all thought of ifs or buts,  
Ive made my mind up,  
Your Zorro mask has really done the trick,  
I'll warn this corsets kind of tight, it might take you half the night,  
But we'll always have the morning.  
(spoken)  
Yikes! That was 2nd base! Ooooh! I like your hands there! Oooh, what a strip show!  
(her dress falls completely off and she's left in her underwear)

BOTH:  
Past the point of no return, that pest has gone now,  
The swan awaits, so quick before it burns!  
We've past the point of no return.

Phantom:  
Say you'll share with me some chips and gravy,  
Let me lead you from your English class,  
Say you'll meet me round behind the bike sheds,  
Underneath the coats, the dinner queue,  
Christine, I can't wait to neck you...!

Raoul:  
Hey! That's my line!

Crowd:  
Shut it! He is more interesting than you!

Christine:  
I'm going to strip you! Who wants to see it?

Crowd:  
Yaaaaayyyy!

Christine:  
Starting with...

Phantom:  
Hey! I want the mask back!

Christine & Crowd:  
Oh, come off it, you're not that bad-looking!

Christine:  
How about this?  
(unzips his fly)

Crowd & Raoul:  
HOLY !

(The Phantom kicks a lever...which makes the chandelier fall)

Phantom:  
! I thought that was to start the disco music so I could strip properly.

(The other cast members, obviously pissed at the extra attention the Phantom is getting with his momentously large package, are closing in)

Phantom:  
Oh, crud, time to go! Yoink!  
(hits another lever...and the disco music starts)  
DAMN!  
(hits the right one this time and drops through the floor with Christine...her under-shift flying up around their ears)

Christine:  
Hellllllllooooooooooo! Everyone like my panties? Looky! Pink flowers and CareBears!

Carlotta (upon discovering Piangi's body, trussed up in a cowboy outfit and strangled:  
Oh my God! How did he know what we were doing! I'm so embarassed...uh...Oh, damn he's dead...who else is that perverted? I'll have to find a new cowboy!

Firmin:  
Oh my god! The secret is out! And the Phantom is bigger than me!

Andre:  
Everyone's bigger than you!

Raoul:  
Giry! Where are they going?

Giry:  
Oh, good Lord, can't you leave them be and go after a guy!

Raoul:  
No.

Meg:  
I'm still mad at Christine for dumping me! I'll show you where to find them!

Giry:  
No, Meg, don't worry about it. I'll show him where to go (like into the water trap!)

Raoul:  
Huh?

Giry:  
Uh...nothing! Stay, Meg!...and fix your boobs, honey.

Meg:  
Hey, Raoul, when you get back, wanna start a Gay and Lesbian club?

Raoul:  
I'M NOT GAY!

Everyone:  
YES YOU ARE!

(The Phantom and Christine flee down to the cellars - he's dragging her even though she's obviously happy to go)  
Phantom:  
Down once more to the dungeon of our sick desires,  
Down we plunge to make whoopee every day!  
Down below where no one can hear you scream!

How, you ask,  
Did we come down here  
Without using the boat?  
Its started letting water in,  
And it ruined my favourite dry-clean only coat!

Mob:  
Track down this paedophile  
He must be found.  
Hunt down this paedophile  
He must be found...

Phantom:  
Would you like a glass of wine?  
I had 10 before I left!  
I thought Duan Juan went rather well,  
We showed that fop a thing or two!  
(Spoken)  
But Christine, why, why . . .he's gay!

Christine:  
I know...That's why I'm with you! Now get out of those clothes!

Madame Giry:  
Your hand at the level of your eyes...

Raoul:  
My hand at the level of my arse?

Mob:  
Your hand at the level of your eyes...

Madame Giry Spoken:  
Heres where I chicken out, I've heard the most unbelievable noises coming from down there.  
(aside) go get yourself killed you little !

Raoul Spoken:  
Cheers!

(Raoul takes his hands away from his eyes and lo and behold falls into the Phantom water trap, where not only is his dry-clean only suit is totally ruined, but his hair is sopping wet and is sure to frizz terribly once it dries.)

Raoul:  
Not fair! I was so pretty! I have to redo it all!

(He grabs a bottle of hairspray and spritzes himself...the spray catches a torch and the resulting fireball blows the trap apart and tosses Raoul right into the Phantom's lair)

Christine:  
Do you think it's ok if we bring forth  
The wedding to now!  
I've been waiting all week,  
To try on that dress!

Phantom:  
That dress which condemed me to wallow in thread . . .  
I'm sorry if I got your measurments wrong . . .  
That damn two-way mirror, needs a mighty good clean. . .

This dress, I made from bits and bobs I'd stolen,  
Will get top marks on the course that I've enrolled on,  
Lets see if it fits

Christine:  
Look its swallowed up my tits!

Phantom:  
I think I need to make some alterations here...

Christine:  
This lovely dress needs a matching bag and shoes,  
I could ask Raoul, hes got loads he's never used...

(Raoul lands with a splash)  
Raoul:  
Woohoo! That was fun! Let's do that again!

Phantom:  
Wait! I think, my dear, you could ask him now!  
Gaylord...

Christine (spoken): Raoul Could I...

Phantom:  
...this is indeed a good time to show up,  
The dress is nearly done, give me a sec,  
(Puts his arm around Christine)  
And now we have a witness!  
And no, you can't have any cake!

Christine spoken:  
Kiss me now!

Raoul: (Pleading)  
Threesome!  
Why can't we just have a threesome!  
Have you no condoms?

Phantom:  
This gaylord has a disgusting mind!

Christine:  
He's Raoul, he's useless!

Raoul:  
If not her,  
Then will you shag me,  
Instead of her!  
Wait what am I saying!

Phantom:  
See, he admits it!

Raoul:  
Did not.  
Christine.  
Can I see her?...

Phantom:  
Be my guest, sir.  
Monsieur, I bid you welcome!  
Did you guess who let your tyres down?  
And who stole your best brush,  
Well you can't have it... HEY!

(Raoul ties Phantom to the gate)

Raoul: (Taunting as he ties Phantom's arms to the gate)  
Lets see you get out of this!  
In Scouts I was best at tying knots!  
I think I might let you go if you let me snog Christine!

Christine:  
Oooh! Ropes! Can I be next!

Raoul:  
(To Christine)  
Get your booty over here!  
Raouly wants a massive snog!  
Refuse me, and I'll knee your Phantom in the balls!  
I might hang him too!  
That is your choice or no return!

Phantom:  
It's POINT OF NO RETURN bozo.

Christine:  
At least my Phantom has some balls to knee,  
Bigger than yours will ever be!

(Raoul frowns and checks, much to the Phantom's dismay - Raoul takes a super long time checking him!)

Phantom:  
Christine, please I didn't mean to steal it!  
I only needed him out of my way!

(Raoul grabs more rope and wraps it around the Phantom,  
and places a noose around his neck in the hope he can chaife the Phantom to death, hmmm)

Christine:  
Farewell my make up buddy and best friend,  
We had such fun playing with our Barbie Dream House!

Raoul:  
Too late for anicdotes, too late to save your Phantoms manhood!

Phantom:  
Go in the water, and my dress is ruined!

Raoul(ranting:  
I have to catch the bus,  
Flag down a taxi!  
I cannot walk incase it starts to rain!

Phantom:  
Once its fixed I'll do it yet again...

Raoul:  
So do you give Raouly a kiss?  
Or does he get it in the gools?  
(Pulls the rope)

Phantom:  
Would my insurance notes help save me?  
(Spoken)  
Knock it off, bunny-bub or I'll cut your hair once I'm free!

(Raoul jerks on the ropes to shut him up)

Phantom:  
Wow, this sucks! I really wish things had gone as I had planned.

Raoul:  
Past the choice or no return...damn!

Christine:  
Angel of Shagging...

Phantom:  
Christine it won't hurt that much...I wear a cup!

Christine:  
...I must do this!

Raoul:  
I want my brush back...

Phantom:  
This song was supposed to be the other way around!  
(Raoul jerks the rope)  
Oooowww! Knock it off, prissy-boy!

Raoul:  
The air in here is causing it to curl!

Christine:  
I have a plan, don't worry!

Phantom:  
The ropes were meant for Raoul...

Christine:  
Angel of Shagging...

Raoul:  
You've had your choice or no return...$h!t!

Phantom:  
sigh You really are dumb, you know that? Were you dropped on your head as a kid?

Christine:  
...I still love you.  
spokenI promise I'll clean the dress!

Phantom:  
Not if I tell you whats in the water.  
(Spoken) C'mon, honey, dry-cleaning is so expensive! Change before you run in, please!

Raoul:  
(Pulls the rope)

Phantom:  
THAT REALLY CHAIFES, STOP IT!

Christine:(putting plan into action)  
Beautiful Vicomte de Chagney,  
Since you don't have your nice ride,  
Lets buy a one-way to your place,  
Let me be your bride!

(Raoul puckers up for a kiss, but Christine catches him out and knees him hard in the bollocks, he falls and alas, his hair becomes wet yet again)

Raoul:My...balls...in...my...mouth...my hair...NOOOO!

Phantom:  
Hahaha, you, chump! I win! Wonderful form, pookie-kins!

Christine:  
Thanks, snugglebum! Look what I got for us!  
(produces a copy of the Kama Sutra and they begin choosing positions)

Raoul:  
Am I being ignored?

Christine:  
You're still here?

Mob:  
Track down this pedophile, he must be thanked!  
Hunt down this mummys boy, who spoiled the show!  
We could't hear it over all his sobs, the Phantom of the Opera's the star of our next show!

Raoul spoken:  
Ok...I give up,  
I admit it I AM gay!  
I only wanted to double check . . .  
And maybe nick some of those silk throws!  
Take the boat, swear to me, never to tell...

Phantom:  
Hang about pal thats my boat, YOU leave! Closet exit is over there!

(Raoul stares at them, confused)

Phantom and Christine:  
sigh Go now, don't forget your hairbrush!

(Christine unties the Phantom from Raouls badge winning knots and kisses him movie style. The Phantom throws the brush to Raoul who begins frantically restyling his hair. Christine continues kissing the Phantom. Raoul tugs on the Phantom's shirt.)

Raoul:  
Oh, kiss me too, Phantom?  
(Shoves Christine off and tries to kiss the Phantom. Christine kicks him in the nads again)

Raoul:  
Owwww! I guess no Phantom-phashion plates for you?

Phantom:  
HELL NO! Get out! I WANNA GET LAID!

(The music box starts playing and the Phantom sings to the melody,  
which sounds uncannily like Masquerade Party Lyrics)

Phantom:  
I wanna rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day...Oh crud...Uh.  
Masquerade,  
Party hats that we have made . . .  
Masquerade,  
Run and hide so your friends will never find you . . .

Christine, I love you...

(Christine comes from the water, having ignored the Phantoms pleas to keep the dress dry. Those sewer water stains are a bitch to get out, especially when your washer isn't plumbed in yet and you've run out of Febreeze. Enter TIDE BRING-ALONG STAIN FIGHTER STICK! The Phantom immediately does away with the stains as she looks at him lovingly)

Christine (to Phantom:  
Say you'll share with me that tube of Pringles,

(She grabs his shirt and rips it off. Buttons fly off and one hits Raoul in the head and runs away whining and crying)

Phantom:  
Let me free you from that soggy dress...

Christine:  
Shag me senseless every night, all morning...

Phantom:  
I alone can make your clothes take flight...

(the dress flies off magically, and he just tears his pants off, stripper-style! Both sets of clothing drop into a dry-cleaner's bag, ready to go to the cleaners)

Christine:  
Ooooo!

(loudly)  
And we will make the music of the night!

(commence the intense, loud, animalistic, and incredibly inappropriate copulating as the mob arrives)

Mob:  
We're going to beat the ever-lovin' snot outta you for ruining the sex show!

Raoul:  
No, you can't! That's gay-bashing (literally) and it's wrong! Besides...uh, look! Nasty hetero sex!

Mob:  
Damn... Oooh! Sex! (immediately sit down and watch the show, yelling comments and suggestions)

Meg:  
Oh Shit, c'mon! I don't wanna watch this!

(the Phantom throws the mask at her - without losing his rhythm! - and it hits her in the face. She begins to walk off in a huff when Christine tosses the dry cleaning to her...they don't stop, they just get louder. Raoul comes up to Meg and puts an arm around her shoulder)

Raoul:  
Hey, maybe that Gay-Lesbian club isn't such a bad idea. You know what, let's go to the set of Spamalot instead. I hear Lance is hot!

Meg:  
We'll get our own Showtime show! To hell with these guys!  
(Drops the dry cleaning)

Raoul:  
Hey, you got any Clinique Spot Treater? My face is going to break out from this damp down here!

Meg:  
Sure! I have their hair-care products too, if you want any! I'm thinking of shaving my head and going real butch, so I don't need them.

Raoul:  
Oooooh! I love their Sleek & Shiny serum!

(They stroll off together and let the Phantom and Christine blow out the speakers with the volume of their...creative activities)

Old Raoul:  
And that's how I legalized gay marriage and saved the Opera house!

Raoul's Boyfriend/Nurse:  
No, you didn't. We just got married and said 'em.

Old Raoul:  
Oh, right! Sorry, honey!

(they arrive at the gravesite, where Christine and the Phantom are madly going at it on a tombstone)

Old Raoul:  
WTF! Aren't you supposed to be dead!

Raoul's Boyfriend:  
Ewww! Hetero-old person sex!

Christine:  
Oh, not you!

Phantom:  
Hey, is that my porn? I was looking for that!  
(snatches it from Old Raoul)

Old Raoul:  
Keep it! It's all women anyway!  
(sighs and smiles at his boyfriend)  
Well, at least we all turned out happy. Look at him! Isn't he cute?

Christine:  
That's a really stupid hat, though.

Raoul's Boyfriend:  
I know, but it looks sexier in my stage show! You should come and see it sometime!

Phantom:  
Ok, enough! I'm leaving. Chrissie, honey, let's go!

Christine:  
Yeah, you, Raoul! I got the Phantom goodies and you didn't!

(She flips him the bird and they run away, still naked, leaving behind a condom tied to a rose with a red bow)

Old Raoul:  
sigh Women! That's why I love you, snuggle-kins!

(they passionately embrace as we fade to black and credits roll)

Child in his sisters dress,  
Born into sinfulness,  
Wank and be lonely,  
Learn to put eyeliner on straight,

They saw through your facade,  
Admit it wasn't hard,  
Wank and be lonely,  
One-eyed pythons your companion,

Ever thought your itemised bill,  
Lists your calls to chat-lines?  
You've always known,  
Don't use the opera's phone...

So laugh at their hetroness,  
While you wear Christine's dress,  
Wank and be lonely,  
Back sac and crack, St Tropez tan and bleach.

Wank and be lonely,  
Hire Bridget Jones,  
Drink Lambrini,  
Alone.

© 2005 Kim Talbot and Lauren Crotsley


End file.
